Jan.23, 2010


Lakshmi called up today. She was in pain, perhaps deep agony than just pain. She was missing her father. The very thought that he is not there is anymore is overwhelming her off and on. Perhaps, the father’s sweet memories keep returning to his beloved daughter. She was quite close to him. Especially, in his last days when he was hospitalized, she was restless. She was in deep pain. The irony was she cannot speak her heart out to anyone, as it would only aggravate her inner suffering. Watching her father awaiting his last moment of life, felt too much to her. May God gives her strength to overcome this unbearable condition.



Jan.19, 2010

I have felt guilty for not being available when it mattered the most on three occasion in last two months. Two of the occasions were the most regretful incidents of my life, as they belonged to two closest friends. One of them lost her father and the other, her mother. I express my condolences from the depth of my heart. I felt ashamed of not being of any worth or use for them when they should have someone trustable with them. I just could not be there with them due to responsibiilites at the workplace.

But it is also true that I genuinely wanted to be with them at any cost. But I couldn’t. The sorry is too little word to say anything about my guilty and moral and social crime.

One of them being Lakshmi, my closest friend and a supporter of the most difficult phase of life when I was in search of first job at any cost. She is my classmate and still a big mental support which helps me carry on in professional life with solace. Her beloved father had been suffering from cancer for a few months. She would tell me almost on routine basis how she was undergoing mental agony but could not share with mother. She wanted to avoid giving shock to her sensitive mother. The father and Lakshmi had promised each other not to let the mother learn of this disease. Both would keep mum and put up a smiling face till the last few weeks were left and doctors informed the days were numbered.

I admire the control of Lakshi and express utter sorrow that despite entire family’s best efforts, her beloved Daddy left for heavenly abode.

She wanted to handover ‘green grass’, as the father wanted to drink its juice. He was told by someone it helps dramatically in cancer. But the problem was that the special grass was available in Delhi only and father was hospitalized in Chennai. Despite best efforts to coordinate with each other , Lakshmi and me could not meet each other despite living in the same city. Whenever I would have time to meet her, she couldn’t and vice-versa.

Finally, she left for Chennai at the desperate call from her sister to be with her father for the last time.

For not being able to be of any use to her will remain lifetime guilt in my conscience.

The other girl is Gayatri, a former colleague at ANI. Though we never worked in one section, as she belonged to electronic media and me, print media, but our vibes made it sure that we were like-minded. I remember she even left her job at ANI for her mother’s health four years ago. She had tears in eyes and couldn’t control them on her last day at ANI, as she left for Kolkata to be with her ailing mother.

We met after four years on roadside. She had joined Live India channel. Both of us were thrilled to meet once again. We shared a good time talking like school kids reuniting after a long phase of life. But then we would talk over phone and share laughter. He mother had carried on with the disease all this years somehow. So I never doubted she would be visiting the hospital for the last time. Last October (2009), Gayatri told me he mother was again hospitalized. I thought it was routine.

Later she informed she was in ICCU. I felt worried for Aunty but avoided visiting her in hospital. She said the mother was recuperating gradually and been shifted to the ward. But she added that the mother was not keeping on well still. I didn’t feel the seriousness of the statement. I hoped she would be alright again and prayed in my heart for her earliest recovery. The office routine kept me heavily occupied in the meantime and I just couldn’t call Gayatri for a long time.

Once I called her up and she said she remains on night or day duty at hospital for her mother, as she required somebody to be with her. It worried me and I avoided calling her up lest I should disturb her at an odd hour of the day. She could be relaxing at home after the night duty or just been attending her darling mother by her bed side. I avoided calling, hence.

But one day, when I did to ask about aunty…I was shocked. Gayatri said: “Mummy to Guzar gayi”.

The answer left me inexplicable to utter any more word. I felt as if her whole world had come to an end. It was because I knew she valued her mother the most and had literally devoted her entire young life for her well-being. The grief overwhelmed me. I just put down the phone and left the room in silence. I narrated that to my mother. She also felt pained to hear that news.


But inside my heart, the guilt of not been able to be with her, hurt me the most. Till date, I am ashamed of my ‘busy’ routine.


The SMS wedding

Amit Tyagi and Ruchi Shrimali……..a unique couple I know.